Let me back up a bit... and tell you how I got to this point in the first place.
I originally tried to name this blog 'struggles,' but it was already taken. I have struggled with my weight since 3rd grade. I remember having to step on the scale in front of my whole gym class and they would announce your weight out loud for everyone to hear. I knew that day was coming.. and I dreaded it. I stepped on the scale at age 10... 5'0" tall... and weighed 105lbs. The gym teacher that day decided to pity me and only said my weight in a whisper... though the whole class stared at me and asked persistently what it was until one smart kid in the front said that he was able to read the scale when I got on... and proudly announced my weight to everyone. The class roared with laughter and all of the petite girls whispered about me. It is one of the first times I really remember being conscious about my weight. (Disclaimer: In fact weighing 105lbs at 5'0" tall is a very healthy weight... for an adult... as a child... peers don't consider all the factors when determining whether you are 'fat'.... only the numbers matter... and when most of the other girls in my class weighed 60-80lbs... I was fat by their standards)
I was always the 'big' girl.. always taller than everyone else.. and overall larger. I was made fun of a lot for it.. called 'Jolly Green Giant' until I was about 13. Through the years, I was ridiculed by girls in the locker room.. especially during swim class (I still won't change in the locker room at the gym to this day!). Boys said they would never date me because I was too ugly or too fat... flat out to my face with other girls standing by to listen. I started as an outcast on the playground...then on the bus... then in high school. All the pretty popular girls were constantly dating guys... going on diets... participating in sports... wearing cute clothes.. etc. I felt that my weight caused me to an outcast. I hid behind my clothes, glasses, and books becoming one of the weird smart people. All I ever wanted was to be accepted by everyone else.
I finally got a boyfriend in 9th grade. I went on my first starvation diet that summer. I did not eat all day and only ate dinner. Once in a while I allowed myself a lettuce sandwich. I would run up and down the driveway to exercise.. 32 times a day... and perform a full set of exercises from the Navy Seal Handbook. I lost some weight and dropped a few sizes. I started to feel confident about myself and open up. I cut my hair short, got contacts, etc. My braces came off and I felt pretty. He always told me that he appreciated my 'feminine' body and didn't want one of the 'skinny' girls. Things were looking up. Then during a party at his house.. after I, the g/f, left... he and his friends decided to play strip poker (or something similar). The next day he confessed to me what they did... and told me how 'he noticed a big difference' between me and his other female friends, especially their stomachs were so tight and toned compared to mine. Back down I went onto the couch eating potato chips dipped in ranch dressing.
I didn't diet again until my freshman year of college. I got a new boyfriend pretty fast in college. He is now my husband. He was always super supportive of me.. and still is. He made me feel awesome and would constantly say things like "I don't know why all these guys love the Victoria's Secret models... they are just way too skinny to me." He even wrote an article for our college newspaper about girls not appreciating a 'curvy' or 'feminine' body... and how he wanted to support women who were healthy and curvy and take pressure away from women feeling the need to replicate the airbrushed beauties on the magazine covers. The spring of our freshman year we decided to do a variation of the GI Diet. We watched our carbs and worked out a lot. I don't even think I weighed myself for 2 or 3 months. I remember going home for Easter and my sister gave me some 'skinnier' jeans of hers to wear. I was able to fit into them... that was motivation enough. Soon I went from a size 12 to a size 6... and eventually to a size 2/4. Overall, I lost around 60lbs. Still, outsiders were very critical of me and I never felt good enough or slim enough. I remember being mocked for certain outfits I wore to parties.. or for being 'too fat' still. One day, some of my girlfriends and I were knocking on the window of my boyfriends apartment trying to get his attention to come unlock the door. Some guys walked by and asked us what we were doing. I forget exactly what was said after that... but all I know is someone said.. "I would never date you.. you are way too fat." I ran up onto the side walk with my hands on my hips and yelled, "I am a SIZE FOUR!!! I AM NOT FAT!!" I didn't believe myself. Then my boyfriend unlocked his apartment door.. I told him what happened and he ran outside to yell at them some more. They were gone.. and so was my confidence.
After college my weight began to gradually creep back up. The stress from work, sitting all day, eating good home cooking at my parents, and feeling pressured to eat 'like everyone else' all played a part. I tried diet after diet during this time. Weight Watchers, Skinny Bitch, counting calories, Eat this Not that, Portion Teller Plan, Skinny Girls Don't Eat Salads, Slim and Skinny... and the list goes on. Diet after diet I lost some weight.. and put some back on... lost some weight.. and put some back on. I never got back to the lowest weight I was in college or the highest weight I was in high school. I just floated around in the middle up 20lbs... down 20lbs... up 30 lbs.... down 15lbs... up 10lbs... down 20lbs... for the past 5 years.
I honestly think all of that 'dieting' only to plateau.. give up.. and emotionally crack and stuff my face until I literally puked... really ruined my metabolism. My metabolism needs a complete makeover. I am 26 years old.. and it has been calculated by a professional that my metabolism is equal to that of a 47 year old due to all of my yo-yo dieting.
This past year I started Joy Bauer's Skinny diet and had a lot of success by losing about 30lbs. I looked and felt great. I really do think this is a great diet that teaches you about portion control and healthy eating. Unfortunately, my emotions got the best of me and I ended up gaining back about 20lbs this spring. As a result, I bought a BodyMedia FIT Weight Management Solution Armband
and started tracking what I ate and how many calories I expended during my workouts. I love this armband and still use it a lot. (More on this armband in another post! It deserves on to itself). Then I joined weight watchers. I lost about 15 to 17 lbs before hitting my plateau. I was so close to my weight goal. Not sure if it was realistic or not, but nonetheless I was almost there. This spring my company started paying for us to see a nutritionist as part of a healthy living initiative. The nutritionist encouraged me to maintain my weight for at least two months and told me she felt that I did not need to lose anymore weight. While trying to maintain I ended up gaining 12lbs in 2 months. It made no sense to me. My calories out were less than the calories in. I was meticulous about recording my food down to the teaspoon of olive oil I used to cook with. Yet, I kept gaining weight. I joined a gym and took up a running program (hence the 5k portion of this blog). I felt like I was doing everything right. After a few visits of frustration, the nutritionist told me she thought I should really try to lose about 20lbs. I was so angry. Not only would that put me at a very low weight for me, but a couple of visits before she let me loose to 'maintain' and I ended up gaining 12lbs when I was so close to my goal! Wow, I was frustrated. However, I liked her and she did help me discover the benefit to keeping a food journal and that I am an emotional / stress eater. No I never realized that before.. isn't that weird? Nothing like some good ole fashioned denial!
My last visit with her was 3 weeks ago. I lost about 6lbs with her. She would list out goals for me for each session including: Drink more water, Relax on Mondays, and Stop Night Eating. I followed her instructions and plateaued after about 3 weeks. I have maintained my weight for the past 2 months, while trying to lose weight. Well, not really trying... but doing whatever she said. During my last visit she finally said, "Okay, well if I wasn't here to help you... you tell me what you would do now." That was the final straw to me. She didn't want to lay out any type of plan and I wasn't making any progress. I felt like I wasn't really trying either. I learned what I needed to from her. I learned the importance of maintaining... and that I was able to do so.
Now, I needed some action. I picked up a magazine the other day that had METABOLISM MAKEOVER in big bold letters across the middle. "This is exactly what I need," I thought. My metabolism is shot to the point is won't respond to any efforts of dieting or exercise. I need to reset it. I read the article about The Dukan Diet. How it supposedly is great for people who are 'diet resistant' and can't achieve results through other methods. It was also used by Kate Middleton for her wedding preparations... can't go wrong with the method of Royalty right? I ordered the book on Amazon with one day shipping. I received it yesterday and started to learn about the plan. I went online to the website and figured out my 'true weight' according to Dr. Dukan. I actually only need to lose 15lbs. Significant enough, but not overbearing. The true weight calculated for me was slightly higher than my original goal weight, and I hit that same weight a couple of times this past spring before the nutritionist mishap. So, it seems reasonable enough to me. The first two phases of the diet seem hard and very protein focused. However, when I think back to losing all that weight my freshman year in college... I followed a very similar idea. Low carb foods in unlimited quantities. I think this will work. Finally, I liked that the diet has two phases that focus on maintaining the weight that you lost....probably the most important part.
Today I cancelled my appointment with the nutritionist this week and instead spent the $80 on joining the online coaching website for The Dukan Diet. I set my start date as tomorrow, 8/8/2011. I printed out grocery lists and recipes for the week and packed my refrigerator with high protein foods including egg whites, lean turkey and ham, crab sticks, and yogurt. Then I came home from the grocery store... downed a pound of pasta with sauce, sesame chicken, an egg roll, vegetable lo mein, and a soft serve ice cream cone as a final good-bye to carbs for the next 53 days. I went out with a bang... like I said.
I have a lot of hesitation about this... thoughts such as "Why am I doing this to myself?" and "Do I really want to commit to this?".... That's when my husband said, "You already bought all the food... too late to back down now!"
Out of all of the reasons... I truly believe that in order to see results... I really need to sacrifice... show commitment... and exert effort. Maximum effort = maximum results. I can't expect to sit around.. eating whatever I want each day waiting for the pounds to magically fall off. Though I might not be 'obese' or 'overfat' or even 'overweight' technically ... I don't feel that I am the best I can be.
I feel like I was intended to be fit.... to be a motivator.... to succeed.
Everyone has to start somewhere. I start tomorrow.
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